Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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