Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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