I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
