you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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