Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
someone get that fucking seahorse.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
