my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
