oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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