My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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