shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
