I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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