he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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