so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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