didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
