Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
