Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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