fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
