dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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