My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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