My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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