pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
