Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
