I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
