I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
