I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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