it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
