Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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