My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
