Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
