if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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