So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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