a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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