I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
