im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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