she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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