When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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