An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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