Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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