12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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