it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I smell like Dick and happiness
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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