Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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