Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
