I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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