we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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