You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
