Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
