I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
