You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
