I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
