so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
