When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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