Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
