I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.