I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
