how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
