I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES