1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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