too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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