thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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