There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
