no, he came in my armpit
It's like God shit irony all over that family
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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