Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
