if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Alive.
So much puke
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
