You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
